Ted Talk

If I did a Ted Talk (it would go something like this...)

The topic of urinals is far too narrow in scope and so if you don’t mind for the purposes of my Ted Talk I’d like to expand our horizons somewhat to include social mores of washroom etiquette, social dynamic patterns for both males and females with in the confines of washroom walls and stalls, inclusive of graffiti, and finally some cross cultural examples of washroom design including the ever popular squat toilet.  

Standing somewhat inebriated in front of an American Standard Urinal at a Wilfrid Laurier pub while contemplating the marvels of chemistry that had transformed my recently consumed Labatts Blue into Uric Acid and other waster products I occupied myself by reading a wall full of insightful graffiti surrounding my immediate social space. 

 “Do not throw toothpicks into the urinals.  Crabs can pole vault.”

Leaning over further, I read...

“If you can read this you are likely pissing on your foot.”

Abruptly I drew back, looking at my foot.

Quickly scanning my surroundings I viewed the great number of phone numbers and their corresponding social services they offered. I had discoveered, in my first year of university, a valuable research topic.

In retrospect, over a life time, I have to chuckle to myself at the wit and sometimes wisdom that is written on washrooms walls.  If one is selective there are quirkie insights to be discovered like this one on decision making:

“If no one comes from the future

to stop you from doing it then

how bad of a decision can it be?”

Or, this one relating to Mathematics:

“Dear Algebra

Please stop 

asking us to find

Your X.

She’s not coming back

and don’t ask

Y”

In addition to the numerous witticisms adorning washroom walls and stalls much can be learned from washrooms, in a sociological sense, as well. For example, when men enter a washroom and face a long row or urinals, say an odd number, a prime number like 7 perhaps, and given that man may be the only soul in attendance, the question remains, does he go left right or centre? A question of the ages.

This selection process, often more revealing than a Meyers Briggs personality inventory, shows that a confident men hedges his bets and takes the middle urinal  while less confident men fade far left or right knowing that subsequent visitors will likely position themselves further away and therefore allow for a larger margin of social distance.  The urinal spatial placement sequence and pattern of course has parallels to the political spectrum of left right and centre. Ironically, by this model Republicans actually piss to the Left.

Men standing engaged at urinals are characteristically quiet, therefore any cross urinal conversation or comment is at a minimal.  In fact such vocalizations from male participants could easily be viewed as deviant behaviour.  While positioned in front of a urinal men’s homophobic antenna are erect and highly sensitive to any unwanted sexual nuances, this can be a very stressful time for some.  For most because of this incredible social pressure men stare straight ahead, at the wall, hand firmly on their manhood trying to start the flow which is virtually impossible to do if the man standing toe to toe beside them begins a friendly conversation.

Some proprietors put diversions in front of the urinals such as scantily clad Sunshine Girls, posters and sometimes even TV monitors thereby preventing even the remotest possibility of a mis-interpreted, innocent sideways glance in the direction of the next urinal.  This is serious business.

Men zip up quickly and efficiently, but now back to Meyers-Briggs...do they wash their hands?  This is very telling.  In bars with much drinking the answer is no; while in restaurants, generally, yes. 

Hygiene is a variable.  Part of the problem in lack of hygiene has to do with faulty or over engineered washroom related technology or WT’s for short.  One of the most frustrating examples of a WT are the motion sensors connected to paper towels dispensers, soap and water distributions systems.  They are designed to allocate these precious resources among users in a cost effective manner.  In fact they serve to frustrate and annoy men and I’m sure women alike.  Sometimes soap and water come out at the same time.  Which one do you go for first? If you miss the soap you end up scraping it off the side of the sink only to reactivate the sensor and get more soap and water on your shirt cuff and sleeves. 

Following that mess when you go to dry, the skimpy sensor on the paper towels will give you about a quarter of the allotment of paper actually required to do the job.  Considering you now have wet shirt sleeves you need even more paper towels.  If washrooms are fitted with Dyson hot hair hand driers these have the power of commercial jet engines and can remove skin, drive water straight through your hand and deafen you at the same time. I avoid these.  Often I am seen shaking my hands in the air then wiping them on my jacket or pants as I leave the washroom.

Despite these short comings on the men’s side this is nothing compared to the poor, or I should say under designing of the women’s facilities.  I have been in women's washroom several times due to vague or absent signage, inebriation, threats or dares, under the cover of darkness, and complete absent mindedness, and on those occasions, and not seeing a neat row of urinals, I quickly realize my mistake and make a discreet and quick retreat.  However, during those brief periods of recognizance I have noted that the number of stalls in a women’s washroom is not significantly greater than the number found in a men’s washroom.  This is just wrong from a logistical stand point.

Go to any concert hall, airport, highway stop or public washroom and there will always be a line for the women’s washroom and rarely, if ever, for the men’s.  Men have choices, urinals or stalls or sometimes long troughs filled with ice, the possibilities are incredible.  Women, not so good, stalls only.   

At first I thought women were slow in washrooms due to variables including vanity, make up considerations, privacy issues and other things I can only guess at.  Eventually, I had to conclude, to women’s defense, the designers of women's’ washrooms, likely men, did not have the common sense to build in double the number of stalls to equal the stall to urinal quotient available in men’s facilities.  A simple but basic design flaw which has never been corrected and continually perpetuated by men who design washrooms for women.  On behalf of my gender, to all women, I apologize.  Correct ratios should be implemented into every municipal building code.

My extensive studies over a life time have made me cognizant of a range of other issues relating to washrooms.  One major issue being the almost universal use of one ply toilet paper.  It doesn’t save any money if people double up on the length of paper they use, in fact they probably use more out of anger and frustration. 

There are dirty washrooms, malfunctioning equipment, clogged toilets, loose toilet seats, doors that don’t lock, no paper products available, slippery floors, especially around urinals, no hot water, no soap, smell issues, or a very low class of graffiti.  Some washrooms are not fit for use.

Washrooms not fit for use are usually found in China where I lived for a year, or the Middle East where I also lived at at gas stations along the I 75.  Whether using a squat toilet in a mosque in Oman or on a fast train to Shanghai they are equally challenging and disgusting.  I often had to plan my local travels around known locations of clean western style toilets.  Some of these toilets actually had signs above them warning users not to use them as a squat toilet.  That is: do not squat on a Western toilet.  I have seen toilet seats with foot prints indicating people had been squatting on the toilet seat previous to my visit.  Old habits die hard.

Clearly I have just scratched the surface of this intriguing avenue of technical and social research.  More study needs to be done in a social/anthropological approach to lend greater insight and understanding to this significant topic. So many of the glyphs and graphics found on washroom walls have not as yet been translated or interpreted.  I haven’t even touched on vending machines in washrooms and why you can buy a condom but not a comb. 

Haikus are easy

But sometimes they don’t make sense

Refrigerator

anonymous (toilet stall inscription)