Deep and Timely Questions on the Nature of Things

Deep and Timely Questions on the Nature of Things


Squirrels are indecisive street crossers.  They are worse, far worse than a deer in headlights.  In such cases a deer will just freeze, stand its ground and mindlessly get hit, or worse, watch as a driver swerves to avoid collision then drives into a ditch and kills himself while totally writing off his car, which would be, after death, a moot point any way.

Squirrels do that little dance while crossing a street.  They charge across at full speed only to stop half way across.  They could go either way, but choose to go neither. They sit and stare with myopic vision, maybe instead feeling the vibrations in the road with some sixth sense waiting for insight as to where to go, and for once they can’t go up, maybe therein lies the dilemma.

They are out of their depth on a two dimensional playing field.  Its like this: is the chestnut behind door #1, door #2 or door #3.  The squirrel is in a tizzy trying to decide which way to go. Does both, first forth and then back, repeats the pattern in reverse, stands still, deer-like, then at the last moment kamikaze style lunges for the curb.


Lately, I have been more tempted to run squirrels down when they cross my sleepy little tree-lined street.  I know that may sound subversive and I wouldn’t want my grandkids to read this until long after I’m gone and then only if I can place this in proper context.  I know I should feel relief when I miss the damn things as they, at adrenaline speed make the curb...but in fact I don’t want to kill them because they are indecisive. I simply want to kill them because they are annoying.

My neighbours on all sides have mature Maple trees as we do, they unlike us, wrap the tree trunks with bands of thick aluminum to prevent the squirrels from climbing the trees and chewing off the tasty new bark and buds in the spring time. When I first moved into the neighbourhood, like all my guests since, ask what the bands are for on the trees.  I explain that they are to keep the squirrels off the trees and are about as effective as restraining Houdini with hand cuffs and a straight jacket.

Squirrels mock us at every turn and jump as they leap from fence to roof top to low hanging branches to virtually any Maple Tree they desire banded or not.  Squirrels mock and shame us.

Bird feeders.  See that’s not even a sentence and you know where I’m going with that thought. Bird feeders are built to challenge, but never exceed the spatial and gymnastic abilities of squirrels.  The feed may be intended for birds but rarely do they get their share unless they are very fast, large and belligerent.  Squirrels belittle mankind’s ability to design predator proof feeders, just another form of shaming and mockery.

Squirrels dig up gardens, rummage and spread garbage over my driveway and yard.  They routinely and systematically open up the locks on my composting containers so they can feast in abundance.  There is no stopping these creatures.  They mock and shame us at every corner.  They are a threat to our dignity and existence.  They must be stopped.

I’ve been told that every dead squirrel at the road side is a victory for mankind, or I often wonder is it just a pathetic cry for help from our furry misunderstood forest friends?   Is it a simple function of the twin evils of anxiety and depression from a fast paced life style.  Sadly, we may never know all the answers to such deep and timely emotional and nature based lines of inquiry.

Squirrel!!!!!!


Acrobatic Romance

In the Maple grove across the street,
I watched a black squirrel chase a grey
across the creek.
Then, ascending in spirals along the trunk,
An acrobatic romance,

That would not last.