The Near Assassination of the Pigeon Man

The Near Assassination of the Pigeon Man and Other Related Crimes

After living in an apartment for the last two years, both in Waterloo and now in Kuwait I have grown to hate pigeons. I can remember, and fondly so, visiting Trafalgar Square and seeing pigeons on mass.  I was in awe and slightly frightened.  The massive flocks reminded me of Hitchcock’s movie the “Birds” as they, the evil birds, started to congregate before a kill. The people of London were not aware of what danger they were in, yet I still had no reason to hate pigeons.

The pigeon man comes daily and sometimes morning and evening to feed the pigeons who flock in the hundreds to scavenge the bread he throws on the pavement.  At first I thought that if I had a pellet gun I could fire pot shots at the pigeons themselves and frighten them away.  As my dislike for the birds grew my focus slowly began to change and I began to think of insidious ways of killing the pigeon man.  I reasoned that if I could remove the food source the birds would lose interest and move to another neighbourhood.  My thoughts moved from pellet guns to rocket launchers, but who was I kidding, this was the Middle East and where could I get a rocket launcher?

I first shot a pigeon at the age of 13 while living on a farm on Lexington Road in Waterloo.  This was still real farm country and like every American kid I felt I had the God given right, under the Constitution, to bear arms. It was much later, in a grade 9 civics class, and much to my disappointment, that I realized that this didn’t actually apply to me in Canada, and I was therefore likely guilty of several crimes against both the bird and mammal kingdoms.  I may or may not reveal in this story the exact extent of my related crimes that of course depends on how receptive you are as a reader and how much you like squirrels, ground hogs, sea gulls,and barn cats.

I think it was Bertrand Arthur William Russell, 3^rd Earl Russell, philosopher, logician and historian who said, “Pigeons are like flying rats,” or, it could have been the Japanese guy in apartment 1604.  I’m not clear on the source, but anyway the point is well taken.  Pigeons may look attractive to the untrained eye, but they are in the same league with raucous Ravens, and belligerent seagulls. They are urban scavengers.  They take.  They take.  They take. What have pigeons every contributed to the greater good?  Even Karl Marx didn’t like pigeons.

Pigeons also make this highly irritating cooing sound.  What you may ask, in a rhetorical aside, is wrong with cooing?  I would have to answer, even though it is not strictly a requirement to respond to a rhetorical question, but let’s get on with it, cooing at your bedroom window at three in the morning is the western equivalent of the call to prayer.  All very innocent you may say, but when a mating pair of pigeons is sitting on your window sill and getting it on.  I mean is there no decency?  Is there no modesty?  I toss.  I turn. I get no sleep.  Pigeons are such teases.

The real point of the issue is that pigeons just tend to shit over absolutely everything, parades, cars, Easter bonnets, hair, ice cream cones, you name it, where there is a pigeon,  it will leave its indelible mark. 

Our Apartment (in Waterloo) balcony has about 450 square feet of space.   I know that is big isn’t it!  We have tables, chairs, a couch, a water feature, electric barbeque and lots of plants, some of them are real.  Pigeons love to nest in our plastic plants.  I mean how sick is that? Is the natural world so void of fundamental values and so base it its discretionary choices that pigeons now nest among the plastic plants.  

Apparently, the answer is yes because on several occasions I have discovered pigeon eggs in my planters beneath by bedroom window and it took no Sherlock Holmes to figure out just which two were responsible for that!! What self respecting bird raises a family surrounded by plastic plants, and so it is only logical that I question their core family values.

Clearly, there is a pattern of pigeon behaviour demonstrated here that is completely unacceptable.  The web of incriminating evidence is a tight one.  Pigeon coo, they shit and flock and have questionable core family values. They do not contribute to mainstream society.  They are takers.  Is it any wonder I have been plotting the demise of the nefarious pigeon man as he comes with his grandchildren each and every day, day after day to feed the pigeons.  Don’t even get me started on seagulls.  They are squawkers and users.  They don’t care about you…

Marty Rempel

…bird watcher