Gifts from Afar

Gifts From Afar

The three wise men apparently arrived quite awhile after the birth of Jesus, by about two years, (how wise is that?) and totally missed the birth of Brian (a Monty Python reference) largely due to disagreements over what to get the savior of mankind.  It is a dilemma when you think of it.  The future savior of an entire planet, the son of God; what do you get the man who has everything, or will soon have everything,  A pair of sandals perhaps, a tough call to make during the long camel ride from, some say Turkey, others say Iran (present day) and many just don’t know.

Since this is actually a fictional piece I have changed the names of the three wise men to Meshach, Ishmael and Mohammad. At first I hesitated to use the name Mohammad because of the controversy that may very well entail. Think of the British teacher who called a teddy bear by that same name and the extremist who were ready to cane her or at least lash her for shaming the holy name.  Then I thought who will actually read this thing and decided I’d go with a common Middle Eastern name with splendor. 

In my story it was actually the big M (not a player from Toronto) who argued most vehemently about getting the baby Jesus something, if just a gift certificate.  He is after all lord of the Jews, king of kings and deserves nothing less than gold. This idea fixed in his head, as he was a very anal and linear thinker totally dwelling in his right hemisphere, stopped at the next market place that they passed.  I think it was in Damascus, and picked up a gold brick. He had it gift wrapped in silk and placed in a wooden box inlaid with exotic wood carvings of camel riders at sunset.  Mohammad being clearly goal orientated and a short term thinker and no idea what he had just started.

It was Ishmael who argued with Meshach, stating that if they weren’t careful about this whole gift giving and shopping thing they could start a dangerous precedent and an orgiastic spiral of blatant consumerism on a global scale which could ultimately upset the balance of trade between the East and the West, resulting in the use of child labour with non-existent labour standards in Asian factories mass producing consumer goods that would never meet CSA approved standards of safety or quality. Therefore, he argued that the best idea would be to buy a small token gift of perhaps five sheckles or less, wrap it in newsprint, and that would in fact suffice.

Gift buying, on a small scale, Ish and Mesh argued would be a meaningful compromise between unleashing the evils of rampant consumerism within the milieu of a shopping culture it generates and the true meaning of gift giving, which the three wise men had not actually agreed on yet.  However, the enigma was this, what was the true meaning of gift giving. Was it like Mohammad’s example of giving according to perceived status, or was it a compromise position between the jaws of uncontrolled spending and that of giving for the sake of giving. 

Meshach later insisted that if we are so wise let us not give anything for what does the baby Jesus need any way?  It turned out to be a rhetorical question because neither Mohammad nor Ishmael was actually listening to this bit of lunacy.  I believe, as the story has been retold over countless generations, Ishmael made this outrageous statement just outside of Bethlehem.

I pause the story here to point out the dilemma and highlight what has happened so far.  Three wise men arriving very late, can’t agree on a gift protocol for what many Christians would argue to be the most important birthday ever, soon to become a national holiday celebrated during the Christmas holidays in the entire Western World, as likely Jesus was a spring birth, following the great Mesopotamian power failure also covering the Dead Sea region about nine months previous, and later described as a virgin birth. Perhaps, because Joseph was feeling a tad guilty about not paying the utility bills (when can you trust a man to organize such things?) for several months and thinking it was lights out as usual, and since no one could see any way.  I leave the rest to your imagination.

I digress, and return to the whole messy issue of what to get Jesus for his birthday.  It was just outside of Bethlehem; the three amigos had just pulled in their camels for an oasis stop off the interstate and parked under a date palm of magnificent proportions.  They were just finishing a snack of goat curd and pita when Mohammad elucidated the gift issue and made a final resolution to the problem. “Gentlemen,” he began, this is truly (verily) a defining moment in history. I know you guys think we shouldn’t do much of anything to celebrate the birth of the messiah, but I really think that we as Majis need to set the example.  You know not just talk the talk, but walk the walk.”

When Mohammad got excited he often broke into the jargon and clichés of future generations.  He was, after all named after a prophet. “I already got him a gift of gold.  I think at the next stop, maybe even at this waterhole, you should pick up something little, maybe a tool set, a swatch watch, or frankincense and Mir is always popular.  And true, I know Jesus probably doesn’t need any of this stuff, but what about giving for the goodness of giving?  What about being personal and touch the life of someone we love and play in forward and maybe, just maybe do some good in this sorry world.”  Mohammad began to sound like a fundamentalist southern Baptist preacher, but  none the less was still effective in rallying Ish amd Mish off to make their purchases.

The next night they followed the star to a manger where they found the babe actually long gone and staying with a cousin over on Third Ave, just behind the new casino the Bedouins had franchised.   They reverently presented the toddler, still breast feeding at 2, with the gifts of gold, frankincense and Mir, thus starting the cherished tradition carried on by most families to this day.

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